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Information

My name is plainer than jane.
I am 19 years old.
I'm from everywhere.
I love
music
love
movies
dogs
jasmin tea
piercings
tattos
books
candles
art
latte
♥him...blake:)


friends

  • glendada
  • tralala
  • hampan
  • syahir


    • talk



    stuff

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    Thursday, October 26, 2006
    hurt

    life is a funny thing.

    i was talking to philip the other day:

    whatever: and now i think john hates me
    philip:     what why?
    whatever:     my friend observed that he was avoiding me
    whatever:     casue i told him i like him?
    whatever:     cause i turn out to be an annoying bitch
    whatever:     cause i care too much about him for his liking?
    philip:     its hard...
    whatever: cause i'm a nagging bitch?
    philip:     no your not
    philip: its hard just being a person dont you think
    whatever:     yea
    philip:     wouldnt it be so much more simple if we were animals
    whatever: yep
    whatever:     when the time is right, we just pick a mating call and fuck to reproduce
    philip:     ya
    philip:     life is about reproducing
    whatever:     sigh
    philip:     yup sigh
    whatever:     why sigh for you?
    philip: its just that being a human is so complicated
    philip:     and it all comes down to our selves
    philip: we have thoughts and feelings
    philip: complicated thoughts and feelings
    philip: we have jealousy, selfishness

    being a person is hard. you never know what you're doing is right. you never know what other people are thinking. how do you know if your friends are trustworthy?

    i trust my friends. for me, it's hard to gain my trust. but once you do, you have it forever. it shocks me, absolutely takes me completely off guard if a friend of mine betray me in anyway. which is what happened. alex gained my trust. i considered him as one of my closest friends. the one that i actually share some of my weirdest thoughts with. i will admit i also had a massive crush on him. i cared a lot about him. i made excuses for him when he fail to be reliable. i made excuses for him when he was a bit mean. i was blind. i refused to see him as the person that he is, hoping against hope that he's the person i imagine, nay, want him to be.

    alex is the lead guitarist in my band. he is really good. from the first moment, i knew that he was a really talented person. i felt... awkward. my singing is just okay. i never thought i was smashing in any way. the other people on the band, jake the keyboard, travis the drummer and jason the rhythm guitarist, are all so talented. they knew what they were doing. everyone knew, cept for me. i just sing. i pretty much organise our band things, like practices, performances, transport. no one knew the amount of pressure that put me through. nevertheless, i had fun. until recently.

    i heard from a friend who said her friend heard john talking with his friends about me. the point of the conversation was that the songs i wrote aren't as good as i think they are and that i have no talent in music. i was hurt. my back was bleeding from the numerous stab john made with his knife. but then i got a bit over it. i was aware of his dislike in me. aware of the low status he viewed me. but the thing that hurted the most was that he never told me. he always said that i am a smart, beautiful, talented girl. when i insisted i suck, he told me to change my view. that it's stupid to think this way. that he didn't think so. BULLCRAP. and today, i heard from a mutual friend that alex told him that he thinks jason and travis are good, but he wished for a singer that doesn't suck. meaning. he. thinks. i. suck. what the hell. what the fucking hell.

    feel my heart. it's broken into pieces. feel my back. the slim of blood covers it. feel my face. never-ending tears streaks it. feel my soul. weakened by the attack.

    why?
    why?
    why?
    why?
    why?
    why?
    why?
    why?
    why?
    why?
    why?

    why?

    plainer than jane [ 7:22 pm ]