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Saturday, March 10, 2007

i took that carton of cigarettes, the gift from yun qiao's wedding, that someone left, forgotten in my livingroom. i took it. and i opened it.

it was the first week of uni and i was really stressed. as much as i love meeting new people, i hate socialising with them. when encountered by someone new, i hardly know what to say. i can ask generic things like, how do you like uni so far, how do you think the lecture went, yadi yada, but it's boring. no one really wants to know how the other finds uni cause we find it all the same. this new, daunting, yet exciting experience. i don't like situations i cannot control. i want to leave the generic state and ask about more personal things, like what they like and stuff, but i dont' want to pry. i dont know their boundaries and neither do they about mine so we're just stuck there, not sure where to go and what to say. every morning, a familiar face is granted a happy smile, because in the back of my head i thought, at least i know someone. after greetings were exchanged, uncomfortable silence was exchanged as well.

it sucked.

i felt so exhausted by the end of the day, i felt like such a failure. i missed my mom and my sister and my friends and grandparents are all very busy. so i remembered that carton of cigarettes, and i took one out, went to the balcony, and smoked. i remembered ai, smoking here in the same fashion. she loved smoking in my balcony. and then, the dizziness kicked in. i stared at the red core of the burning cigarettes, thinking, this is really pretty. i wondered about the heat, i wondered about the fire, and i wondered how it would feel if i pressed it against my naive skin. but i got enough sense and fear back to stop myself doing any harm to myself. by that time, disgust kicked in as well. i went to shower and brush and did everything i can to remove the smoke smell emitting from me.

the second day was as dreadful. it started out fine and then i said something stupid and i felt stupid for the whole day. no one gets me. this is crap. home and cigarette.

the third day, same thing, but the disgust was revolting this time. i can't stand the chemicals i'm inhaling, i can't stand the dizziness, i can't stand the smell of smoke. i have to stop. and i did. i was so sad. i told alex s. about it and he called me and we talked about my problems for a while. i felt better.

gone is the carton of cigarettes, but i'm always thinking about smoking. it's so stupid. only 3 cigarettes and i'm craving for it. i hate smoking, yet i'm thinking about it. i know for a fact uncle's carton of cigarettes are on the table in the balcony. if one is missing i think he'll notice. and besides, i am not going to smoke anymore. i hate it and i can't depend on it.

besides, i'm starting to like uni. i'm making friends and one of them, gemma, is becoming one of my closer friends. we have the same humor and we'd joke a lot. we know what each other is talking about and it's cool. she's cool. i'm cool.

i miss yorkie... :(

plainer than jane [ 11:13 am ]